Honestly, one of the biggest perks of having a partner is having someone to talk to about anything. The ability to be open and honest without fear of judgement is a super clear sign that you’re in a healthy relationship. (PS: The same can be said for real, genuine friendships.) But even the happiest, most stable couples can run into communication roadblocks sometimes. Relationships change, often because the people in them are also evolving, so making an effort to keep the dialogue between you and your partner open is key to making it work long term. That’s why it’s so important to keep asking each other questions, even (especially) if you’ve been together forever. Thus, this list of deep questions for couples—the perfect date-night activity to re-open the sort of getting-to-know-you conversations you probably haven’t had in awhile.
“Human beings are ever-evolving, despite how well we believe we know them,” says Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C, a licensed mental health counselor and Forbes Health Advisor based in New York. “It’s important to allow your partner to surprise you with new parts of them as you grow together—and to be curious about those parts.”
We divided our list into categories that can work for different types of relationships, depending on how long you’ve been together and what stage you’re in at the moment. Many of the questions you’ll see below point to the future, asking about ways couples can improve their relationships or nix habits that might not necessarily be serving them anymore. But a lot of them are nostalgic and focus on relationship milestones and memories that, when you revisit, can remind you of why you fell for your partner in the first place. Even if you already know how they felt before your first date or what it felt like the moment they knew they loved you, it’s nice to be reminded. Talking about it can make you feel closer, and might even help you learn new details about how they see or think about those experiences now.
“Quite often, I hear people say things like, ‘When the sex life dies in a relationship, that’s when you know you’re in trouble’—which isn’t always accurate,” Verhulst says. “I’ve seen more damage done when the curiosity begins to die,” she says.
On your next anniversary, or even on your next date night at home, pull out this list and take turns opening up. You can alternate between lighter questions and more serious ones to keep the experience engaging, or answer one and see where the conversation takes you naturally. But no matter how you approach them, keep an open mind. In the end, you might end up falling in love all over again.
Deep Questions for New Couples
If you’re in the early stages of dating, Verhulst says it’s the perfect time to ask questions that will help you set a strong foundation for the future. “Asking about their previous relational experiences and patterns can be valuable in developing a deeper understanding of the person and what to expect,” she explains. “This stage can also feel mysterious and sexy, which is a great opportunity to ask more playful questions about their hobbies and sexual preferences.”
- What was your dream job when you were younger?
- What did you like most about where you grew up?
- What did you like the least?
- What’s your relationship with your family like?
- Are you close with your siblings?
- Who was your first crush?
- Have you ever been in love before?
- How would your best friend describe you?
- Who is someone in your life that you admire?
- What is your love language?
- What do you think is your best quality?
- Do you believe in soulmates or twin flames?
- What’s something people would be surprised to know about you?
- What’s a goal you’d like to accomplish someday?
- Do you like your job right now? Do you see yourself doing it long term?
- Tell me about your first kiss.
- Tell me about your first time.
- How were you feeling about our first date before we met? What did you do that day?
- What do you remember about our first kiss?
- What are you enjoying the most about our relationship so far?
Deep Questions for Long-Term Couples
“For couples who are dating long term, the future of the relationship has likely come up for one or more partners in a significant way—whether that be financial planning, family planning, marriage, or living arrangements,” Verhulst says. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, it may be a good time to consider asking the “hard” questions about your partner’s needs and expectations, she says.
- What’s your favorite thing about our relationship?
- What, if anything, would you like to change about it?
- What’s something new you’d like to try together?
- What’s your favorite date we’ve ever been on?
- What was your favorite anniversary we spent together?
- When is the closest you’ve ever felt to me?
- Where would you want to live someday, and why?
- What’s your favorite trip we’ve taken together?
- How do you feel about living with someone?
- What would your expectations be if we lived together?
- How do you feel when you’re around my family?
- Is my relationship with your family important to you?
- Is my relationship with your friends important to you?
- Which one of your friends do you feel brings out the best in you?
- How do you feel about getting married someday?
- Have you ever thought about having a family someday?
- Are there any chores you love or hate?
- How do you feel about splitting and/or combining our finances?
- What’s something you’re afraid to tell me?
- What are your job or career goals for the next year?
Deep Questions for Newlyweds
While the newlywed stage can feel magical for many people, the “honeymoon blues” is a real thing, too, Verhulst says. To ensure that this time in your life stays fun and exciting, she suggests asking deep questions that will allow you to connect emotionally, set a positive tone for the future, and get any thoughts or hesitations out there. “Ask your SO questions that address your concerns, such as, ‘How do you feel you are adjusting to newlywed life?’” she says.
- Which part of our wedding (or engagement) would you re-live, and why?
- How did you feel on the day we got engaged?
- Were there any parts of wedding planning you liked more than others?
- What’s your favorite memory of our early dating days?
- What part of married life are you most excited about?
- Is there any part of married life you’re nervous about?
- How do you feel like you’re adjusting to newlywed life?
- Is there anything we can do to make it easier?
- What do you want life to look like five years from now?
- What about 25 years from now?
- What traditions do you think are important for us to have?
- What’s a daily routine or ritual we have that you’d like to continue in marriage?
- How will we keep our sex life exciting and fun?
- Who is a married couple that you admire and why?
- If we have a family, what are some values you want to instill in our kids?
- What do you think we’ll be like as parents?
- What’s the best marriage advice you’ve ever received?
Deep Questions If You’ve Been Married Forever
If you’ve been married for a long time, Verhulst recommends asking questions that will remind you of your commitment to each other. “Your relationship may benefit from reminding your partner that you are still interested in ‘their world’ by asking questions about their day-to-day life,” she says, especially if you’re both busy and struggle to find time to connect. The questions don’t have to be mundane, though—explore topics that will help you both get excited about the future, too!
- What’s a song or playlist that reminds you of our relationship?
- What do you love about our life together?
- What’s an accomplishment you’re most proud of?
- Do you feel fulfilled by your work lately?
- What is your favorite way to receive love these days?
- What’s your favorite experience we had together this year?
- If we retired tomorrow, what would you want to do together?
- What are your favorite memories with our children and/or families?
- What does a happy marriage look like for us in this stage of life?
- Do you feel fully loved and supported by me?
- Is there a way I could be showing up for you better?
- Are there any bad habits we have as a couple that you want to move away from?
- Are there any good habits that we should continue?
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